What to Say to Someone Who Is Dying

Death is an emotional experience for both the dying person and the people around them. This can make it incredibly difficult and awkward to know what to say to a dying loved one.

It is very common to wonder "What do I say to someone who is dying?" or “How will I know when I’ve said enough?” Unfortunately, misconceptions about what you should or should not say or fear of saying the wrong thing may prevent you from saying anything at all.

This article provides tips on how to talk to a dying loved one and debunks some of the misconceptions about what you should and shouldn't say to someone who is dying.

Tips for Talking to a Dying Loved One

Talking to a dying person can be difficult, but remember that sometimes your presence is more important than your words. Try to focus on subjects that will provide the person with comfort and reassurance. You should also follow their lead and let them talk about the things they want to talk about. Here are some tips:

• Talk about pleasant memories. Reminiscing is a good way to connect with your loved one and remind them of their past accomplishments.
• Be a good listener. If they want to discuss uncomfortable subjects or regrets, be a good listener and try to provide the reassurance they're looking for.
• Reassure them. Sometimes dying people worry about what will happen after their death, the well-being of loved ones, who will care for their pets, etc. It can help to reassure them that you will be okay and that everything will be taken care of after they're gone.
• Accept that the person may express strong emotions. Tears and anger are both natural responses to the dying process.
• Don't give them false hope. In most cases, the person knows they are dying. Asking them questions like what they plan to do when they're better or suggesting that their condition might improve is not helpful and may cause distress.
  
• Ask them if there's anything else you can do. Your loved one may have something else they need to talk about or a favor to ask. Asking them this question can give them permission to bring up these requests.

How to Write to a Dying Person

Some people find it easier to express themselves in writing. It may also be easier to bring up difficult subjects in a letter. Remember, though, that what you say in a letter can be re-read and may cause distress if the person doesn't have an opportunity to respond. For this reason, a letter may not be the right place to discuss grievances or negative subjects.

You can talk about many of the same things in a written letter as you might in conversation. Share fond memories, remind the person of their accomplishments, express forgiveness, or thank them for being a part of your life. Putting these thoughts and feelings in writing can also give the person something to treasure during their last weeks or days.

What Words Comfort a Dying Person?

People who are dying may need to hear certain words and phrases, especially in the last days or hours of their life. Some simple things you can say that will mean a lot to the dying person include:

• I love you.
• Thank you.
• I forgive you.
• Please forgive me.
• I will be okay.

Common Misconceptions About Talking to a Dying Loved One

Some people believe you should avoid talking about certain subjects with your dying loved one, such as the experience of death or everyday things that your loved one will no longer be able to experience.

Although the subjects a person is willing to discuss can be different from person to person, generally speaking, many of these beliefs are untrue and may only serve to keep you from having meaningful conversations with your loved one at the end of their life.

Here are a few misconceptions about what you can and can't say to your loved one that may help you feel more comfortable and safe talking about the subject of death with your loved one.

"Talking about death will cause upset."

It’s a common belief that talking about someone’s illness or impending death will only upset them. Many people are surprised to find that a dying person wants to talk about what’s happening to them. In fact, many dying people are thinking the same thing: that talking about what’s happening to them will only upset a friend or loved one.

Talking about death allows a loved one to express unspoken fears and concerns. Oftentimes, sharing these feelings with someone who listens fully and without distress can help reduce pent-up anxieties.

"Talking about death will make things worse."

Some people believe that talking about death will actually make it happen sooner. They may think that discussing death will stress the dying person and could bring about a heart attack or stroke. They may also fear that if the dying person accepts their death, they will give up and die sooner.

This belief is entirely unfounded. It harkens back to the days when doctors used to tell family members not to reveal a terminal diagnosis to an elderly parent, spouse, or grandparent. ("Knowing will kill them!")

While talking about death can be stressful, it can also be therapeutic and healing for everyone involved. Of course, not everyone will want to talk about death or dying. That’s okay, too.

Let compassion guide the conversation, remembering this is not about you. This doesn't mean you can't share your feelings; just be sure those feelings don't add to a loved one's burdens (like whether or not you'll be able to cope once they die).

"Talking about everyday things is hurtful."

This belief prevents many people from discussing the day to day aspects of our lives. We may think that talking about the playoff game or our favorite television show will make it seem like we don’t care about what’s happening to our loved one. We might think that they can’t possibly be interested in the news or even in what happened to us at work today.

The truth is that most dying people are still interested in the same things they were interested in before they knew they were dying. If they are an avid sports fan, that’s not necessarily going to go away. There is every chance that your loved one will want to hear about what's happening in your life, just as they did before.

Talking about everyday things helps affirm that, while life may be limited, your loved one is still alive and a part of your life.

"Silence is stressful for everyone."

Chances are, if you believe this, you will simply talk and talk to avoid silence, littering the air with words that don't mean anything. Some people will even use the fear of awkwardness to avoid seeing a dying friend. ("I don't know what to say.")

What's more important in these instances is not trying to find something profound or moving to say (which will generally sound false) but just being there. In fact, the one thing better than being a talker is being a listener.

There are things you can do to encourage conversation. Sit at the same level as your loved one with no barriers between you. Lean forward and give them your full attention without folding your arms or fidgeting. In short, be there.

It’s also important to know that not all silence needs to be awkward. A calming physical presence is often all a dying person needs or wants.

Summary

Talking to a dying loved one can be difficult, but there are certain things you can say or do that will offer them comfort. Try reminiscing about your past experiences with that person or simply listen to what they have to say. Don't be afraid to talk about death if that's what your loved one wants to do.

Sometimes the most important thing you can do for a dying loved one is to simply be there for them. Remember that it's normal for them to express strong feelings and emotions. If you're at a loss for words, sometimes simple phrases like "I love you," "thank you," or "I forgive you" can give them the comfort they need at the end of life.

By Angela Morrow, RN
Angela Morrow, RN, BSN, CHPN, is a certified hospice and palliative care nurse.

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